When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. – Lao Tzu

I’m not going to lie, I have been feeling a great deal of mixed emotions lately and I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of crying. I've told some of my students that I'm leaving and they are so concerned and upset with it. One of my favourites from my Monday classes looked like he was a bit teary-eyed and it honestly caught me so off guard. Alethea has been telling me about all the reactions of her students with cards and tears and kind words, but for some reason I feel like my students are a little shyer and I wasn't sure what kind of reaction to expect from them. Alex was the first to know and the look on her face just broke my heart. But I'm so torn because of course I miss my family and friends and my boyfriend and I'm beyond excited to start Teacher's College. When I think of Jays games, drinks at Shoeless, girls nights, Canada Day celebrations and just my soft bed in my bedroom my heart aches to be home. The song "Butterfly Kisses" came on my iPod on the bus and I couldn't help but tear up and miss my family. My friend Laura Dawson sent me an article a while back about how living abroad will play with your feeling of home and you will constantly be missing the other place – I guess a sort of grass is greener kind of yearning for the other place. I've only been living here for 8 months and my ability to speak Chinese (or lack thereof) has definitely limited how close I've gotten to the people here, but I have made it my home. The simplest things are setting me off feeling nostalgic for things I haven't even left yet.

I'm also feeling really nervous for a lot of things.. This year I feel like I’ve been pretty lazy compared to my past lifestyle of full-time university, part-time job and active volunteering. Traveling is a completely different kind of thought process and I'm nervous that I'm not going to be ready to jump back into that life. This might sound stupid, but I'm also nervous about my social skills. I have had to censor myself with topics appropriate for discussion with my students and coworkers so apart from Alethea I have not really talked about anything with real depth in a while. Most of my conversations consist of where I'm from, what I'm doing here, what music/movies/etc do I like and I haven't kept up with a lot of things going on at home... So if I'm a bit rusty, my apologies!

I am letting go of who I am and who I was and I am going to let things fall as they may. Things are fantastic and the fact that I have such amazing things to miss makes me so grateful. A.A. Milne wrote a quote in Winnie the Pooh that I think sums this feeling up nicely: “how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”. Now I have countless places full of things that are hard to say goodbye to. In the meantime, I’m keeping my head up for the next week through my last classes and counting down only 10 days until my parents and sister come!